My Life Right Now

I went to bed last night at 8:30pm, and stayed there till shortly before 8am.

And I still felt like I was drowning.

And I was going to take a 15 minute break and get on here and tell you all about it, but I completed the day instead.

I was going to tell you how I've been late on 2 assignments this week because they slipped my mind... how my parents came and went too quickly because Mother Mayo didn't have any good news...how it's cold and cloudy...how I'm drowning in a sea of information that one day I'm going to have to be responsible for...how I have no idea what I'm supposed to do for half the patients that walk into clinic...how I didn't make it to the Medical Missions Conference this weekend where all my Honduras comrads are plotting goodness....how I'm missing the Blanshan girls' Iowan getaway next week...how there's no food in the fridge....how I haven't seen my friends in weeks....how the deadlines are approaching faster than I can handle and I'm drowning and there's tears and I can't keep up and...

Deep breath.

cup of coffee....homemade breakfast with my love...

six hours in front of a computer and one paper from Hades done....

date night to celebrate five months of happiness.....steak for dinner....movie with scary parts so I can hang on his arm....

early bedtime...church in the morning....nowhere to be tomorrow afternoon....

Another deep breath. And life goes on.

An observation

Normally at this point in my shift, I would have 6 hours left. 6 down, 6 to go. But, alas, not tonight. For tonight we fall back an hour, letting sugar-filled children have one more hour of sleep after gathering their goodies and letting some nurses earn some overtime in the dark.

And, as the case often is with a well-sedated and ventilated patient, I have extra time on my hands. The last two nights I've entertained myself by reading other people's blogs....people I know, people who know people I know, people I don't know from Adam, etc. Little glipses of lives scattered all over this circle; never-ending commentary on the mundane and the earth-shaking. I switch back and forth between "Man, I have an incredibly boring life" to "Seriously, people, get lives." Either way, it makes me want more words. Words that don't end in -ology or -itis. And I find myself reading on and on. With very little to say.

That's all.

Bucket List, Revisited

Back in April, I wrote this post on a slow night shift. It's been over six months, so I figure it is worth an update to see how I'm doing. Though I have to admit, checking things off a list and getting things done have seemed a lot less important lately. I'd much rather snuggle up to my love, watch the leaves fall, or call my parents. But anyway...

*Start a compost pile. No, but I contributed to the neighborhood one.

*Finish painting the few places in my house that need touching up. No, the touch-ups are undone, but I repainted the office.

*Tile the backsplash in my kitchen. Done! And the floor!

*Successfully grow one tomato plant and one pot of basil (the extent of my garden this year) I planted the tomato plant and then forgot it. I zapped the basil with Miracle Grow and it died in hours.

*Read a book about Uganda and try to get a grasp of the history of that country. Nope

*Finish my college scrapbook. (I only have the graduation portion left, and it's been that way for 2 years!) Nope

*Finish my thesis (goal of Nov.). It is DONE! Defense is set for Dec. 3.

*Become a nurse practitioner (planned for May 2010). I'm at least passing right now...

*Play the piano for patients/residents and families at St. Marys and Madonna Towers. Can't tell you the last time I touched the piano, except to dust.

*Make it back to Honduras. No. (sniff).

*Sew something. Nope

*Learn to make decent espresso on my new machine. I have once or twice.

*Winterize the house better so my heat bill improves next winter. Does it count if my husband did it?

*Assume my newfound role as an aunt and get the birthday calendar figured out. Failing miserably.

*Get completely checked off so I can perform blood and marrow transplants and administer chemotherapy at work. Done, even though I really don't like doing it.

Not too bad, huh? If I did it over again, I'd probably make a very different list. Maybe one day I'll get to it.

Yes, I will go out of my way to step on that crunchy looking leaf

Two people + one afternoon off together= three truckloads of leaves

Our poor postage-stamp yard has recently been bombarded by the mutinous leaves quickly shedding from our pretty trees.

And despite already having three snows, there's still a lot of gorgeous-ness left.

We ended up taking three full truckloads of leaves to the community compost. It was so fun to see half of Rochester out raking their leaves all on the same perfect day.

Words heard too soon

You plan for some things.

You think about car wrecks, and you wear your seat belt.

You worry about stairs, so you put the baby gate up.

You stay away from such things as bungee jumping, sky diving, and motor cross.

We plan and we worry and we try to prepare.

And still it's usually the things that happen on any idle day that knock us to our knees.

Last Friday, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Cancer, oddly enough, is not usually a word I am automatically scared of. We have so many good treatments; I've seen too many people come through. But this type is different. If you need to read more about it, go here. We (the medical community) feel like a complete failure when it comes to this disease.

But in the midst of the shock and the tears and the worry and the words heard 30 years too soon ("You don't have very long..."), lots of gifts and things to be thankful for have come forth. And that's what I'm holding on to right now.

86. a thoughtful father who had my husband tell me so I would have someone to hold me when I found out

87. a family that takes care of each other

88. finding cheap tickets on a next-day flight

89. a uncle who visits two days in a row

90. numerous phone calls, cards, and emails

91. Johnny Markham's office

92. hugs

93. late night conversations

94. hearing my mom say "I'm not buying skim milk anymore."

95. a teenage brother who wants to help

96. finding out at least 10 churches and prayer groups prayed for us 2 days post-diagnosis

97. a fill-in preaching father-in-law

98. a quick replacement for my mom's teaching position so she can be free

99. flowers

100. realizing just how far our circle of friends extends

101. far-off relatives who decide to stop by

102. a Jennifer Allen hug

103. having all the family together

104. four-part a capella harmony

105. a minister who's been through this to support my dad

106. understanding professors

107. a friend who will get up at 3:30am to take us to the airport so my exhausted dad doesn't have to

108. coming home to a warm pot roast from the Schulz's

109. looking for waffles the next morning and finding a freezer full of good stuff from my sneaky friends

110. candles

111. my ever-loving, ever-supportive husband who completely lights up my life

112. hope of a better world where this is no cancer

113. pictures

114. land where you can see the stars

115. Cracker Barrel apple crisp with ice cream

116. the comfort of Sunset Restaurant

117. a tiny cousin on a scooter who knows the difference between a tractor and a backhoe

118. four hour naps

119. my Jesus

120. my mom

The mixing of the Seasons

First snow of the season, before most of the leaves have had a chance to fall...

There will be more to come. 1-3 inches tomorrow. You came too soon, Winter.

In Thankfulness of Fall

71. the turning of the leaves
72. my ever-so-perfect long, blue fleece robe

73. the warmth of a hot shower

74. a closetful of blankets

75. hot tea

76. brilliant colors the sunrise casts on the fog

77. snuggling under covers
78. casseroles
79. homemade zuccini bread

80. pumpkins

81. Sunday afternoon lunch at the in-laws

82. visiting friends from TN

83. squishing on the couch with my girlfriends

84. installed insulation

85. sweatshirts

Signs by Andrea

3 cheers for entrepreneurship!

Head over to http://www.andreasteed.com/signs to check out a new business started by my friend Andrea Steed.

Spread the word for a chance to win your own personalized sign!

Demoralization

Earlier this year, I completed the Beth Moore Bible study "Believing God." I was too cheap to buy the accompanying video at the time. I thought the study was great without it. But when my friends decided to buy access to the 9-week series online, I chipped in a few bucks and started backtracking through the videos.

She's quite hilarious. Her content is as serious as it gets, but her presentation is just something else. She, with her big hair and her thick Arkansan accent and almost constant outburts of "Glory!" or "Halleluah!" draws me back to past years spent in the thick Tennessean and Arkansan humidity. But she knows her stuff, and she's excellent at making the Word of God come alive and at presenting new dimensions I definitely would have missed.

In the video I watched the other day, she pulled out a concept that hit me right between the eyes. It may not have hit you, had you seen it, but this is my struggle and it's what spoke to me that day.

Demoralization-when Satan figures out who we fear most that we are. And he sets out to confirm it.

What do you fear you are most?

For me, it is incompetence. I hate it. I fear it. I fear I am not good enough. I fear I can't compare to so-and-so. I fear I might fail.

And he uses it, that angel-turned-liar. He convinces me I will try and not succeed, of course I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, tough enough, etc. And I usually crumble, paralyzed in my fear of imagined reality.

But in the video the other day, Beth was saying how she was afraid she'd fail God. She'd try and fail. And then it hit her: that all-encompasing strength that renews broken spirits and heals past wounds and gives gifts to the ungifted.

God will not fail you.

That's right. Of course. What was I thinking?

And I peel myself up once again, trusting in One who is and will always be enough.

Thankfulness

56. warm, homecooked breakfast with Bob
57. a whole weekend off together
58. news of a pending new niece or nephew
59. new life for a church sister through liver transplantation
60. Sunday afternoon lunch with the in-laws
61. apple crisp with ice cream
62. a little boy in Honduras staring back from a cardboard picture frame
63. late evening walks hand in hand
64. meeting friends unexpectedly on such walks
65. Sunday school kids belting out songs with all their heart
66. a new computer
67. a morning rain on parched earth
68. calls from cross-country friends
69. being a nurse that the "difficult family" likes
70. being just a little bit ahead (maybe just caught up) in school